Last night somebody asked me if I ever talk myself out of radical obedience to God. My first thought was, “uhhh, yeah.” I do talk myself out of being radically obedient because I’m uncomfortable. I might look weird, I might be rejected. I’m insecure. I I I. The thing is, obedience isn’t about me. Obedience is about the one I am being obedient to–God. There is too much me and not enough God. God has been telling me lately that I need more of Him, that my soul needs more. That the God I fit into my morning quiet time is bigger. I say I want to be radically obedient but there’s not enough of Him in my heart. I want to tell the Holy Spirit yes and follow Him to obedience. But not more than I don’t want to look weird. At the end of the day, I’m afraid. I fear man more than God.
“The Lord is with me, I will not be afraid, what can mere mortals do to me?” Psalm 118:6
I read Psalm 118 believing it. But not in my heart. I get so frustrated with myself because I know truth in my head but it’s not connecting in my heart. Fear lives in my heart. The more I pray and ponder about how to get rid of this fear, my Father is saying, “come to me.” I’ve been trying to figure this out on my own but isn’t self-reliance how I got so fearful in the first place?
I’ve had a heavy heart the last two weeks. I’ve known I needed to do something about this fear. I want to be radically obedient, I want to love God more than I love being comfortable. But I don’t.
But today I feel freedom, I feel grace. Because the answer isn’t a 5 step checklist. The answer is more Jesus.
I feel freedom because our insecurities and fears are our own kind of bondage. We give them power and let them hold us back from fullness in Christ. But there’s grace.
I feel freedom because I know God’s presence is the best gift He can give me. In His presence I find true rest, true peace, complete freedom, healing and wholeness.
So yes, I do talk myself out of radical obedience. And I don’t like it. I am holding myself back from the more my Father has for me. But there’s freedom in admitting I’m not good enough.
“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9